Infertility....it's a bitch!

First of all, I just want to thank my friends, family and especially my amazing husband for giving me such love and support over this last year. It has been a rough ride, but I have learned so many lessons along the way. I believe now more than ever that everything happens for a reason.

As most of you know, Leo and I have been trying to have a baby for over a year and a half now. After having 1 tubal pregnancy and 3 miscarriages, I was finally allowed to see a specialist. (Yes, allowed!! No doctor will refer you to a specialist until you've had at least 3 miscarriages consecutively in a row. RIDICULOUS and heartbreaking) Anyway, Leo and I went to the fertility specialist with high hopes. The Utah Fertility Clinic is amazing and the nurses and doctors are so compassionate. (Any of my Utah friends having issues, I highly recommend these doctors).  The doctor took over an hour with us at our appointment going over my entire medical history. It was so nice to talk to someone who actually cared about getting us a baby. By the end of the appointment and after an ultrasound, the doctor ordered over 60 different blood tests. She also ordered some blood tests for Leo. We got our blood work done and waited an excruciating two weeks for the results to come back...

We finally had our results back and made an appointment to figure everything out. I had my fingers crossed for something simple and stupid like low progesterone, but of course, that wasn't the case. All of my blood work came back normal except for one test. I found out I have a genetic disorder called methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase...or MTHFR for short. In English, it means that my body does not produce or absorb any Amino Acids, B Vitamins or Folic Acid. Having this disorder is still controversial as to whether it causes recurrent miscarriages or not, but a lot of doctors seem to think it definitely causes miscarriages. I now have to take medication for the rest of my life. I am just thankful that there is a medication for it! My whole life changed in one day. Every illness I have ever suffered with over my life has been caused by this disorder. 

Like I said earlier, I now believe everything happens for a reason. If any of our pregnancies would have stuck, the chances of us having a baby with spinabifida, down syndrome or autism were multiplied. Now that I have started the medication, our chances go down to that of any other normal pregnancy. So, although I have had more heartbreak in the last two years than any other time of my life, I wouldn't want it any other way. I have now figured out what has been wrong, started medication and can start trying for our angel again.  We never gave up hope, and I know that God was just waiting for the right time.

To all my girlfriends who are trying for babies and not getting them...I am here to talk!! I know the heartbreak of losing a baby and I know how hard it is dealing with depression and the want to give up. I used to think I'd get married and have 2-3 babies no problem! But sometimes, life doesn't work out the way we want it to. We will be lucky to have one baby. Learning to deal with our bodies not being able to do the one thing we were born to do is so hard, but there is always hope! Do not let the hard times come between you and your husband. 

Communicate, communicate, communicate! I cannot stress this enough. Let your husband know how you are feeling! If you're depressed and feel like crap, TELL HIM! Then, explain why! I promise you, if you keep it to yourself and try to tough it out, it will make everything worse. No man will EVER understand how you feel That's just mother nature! But we can help them to not feel out of the loop with the experience. It is very hard for a man to go through a miscarriage or infertility because he cannot control it or have a fix for it. Don't forget that! If you need to stay in bed for a couple days and cry...by all means, do it! Just don't let it drag you down. Lean on people you love for support. If you don't want to talk about it to everyone (like me), write about it! Just getting those negative feelings out will make all the difference in the world and you can tell people when you are ready.

I'm sure every woman feels this way (well maybe not every), but I fall more in love with Leo every day. He has been my rock through this whole ordeal. He sits next to me and holds my hand, lets me cry when I need to and lets me stomp my feet and throw things when I get angry. I know it isn't easy for him, but he always puts me and my feelings first. I don't know how I got so lucky, but I thank God every day I did! We are crossing our fingers that the 5th time will be the charm :)